When Heroes Fall

i dont really see anything wrong with it i think it's very good and you obviously have a natural talent for it
Georgie x

Hi, Acoustic Sensitivity! I'm Harper, and I'm new here, and this is the first ever review I have given. But I'm glad I found this poem first--it was really a surprise. I like it a lot, and the title drew me in immediately, and all the while I was reading it I was thinking of . . . well, heroes. Or the fall of heroes. I think the thing that struck me most about this poem was the intensity of the voice. It was very clear and the feelings were well portrayed.

Just a few thingies:

Acoustic Sensitivity wrote:When Heroes Fall

Pride, that keeps me going
From falling off the ground
Whenever I keep on flying
It covers the truth
That I want to hide (I don't think "that" is necessary here. I think it would sound a little cleaner if you took it out, and it really wouldn't miss the extra syllable. But it's not a huge deal.)

Hope, that keeps me living
Shining like a star
Whenever I keep on fighting
The same shadows
Of my forgotten past

Here I am, I'm falling
Slowly descending
All eyes on me
Will someone save me?
Will someone save me? (Now, if these were song lyrics, it might be different, but since it's a poem I think the repetition here doesn't add to the flow of it. I kept reading it out loud to see if it could be missed or if there was a reason it was there. Certainly it adds emphasis, and even a little voice of panic, but I think you might want to leave the repeat out on this stanza.)
If I can't keep on going

Love, that keeps me saving
Those that are harmed
Whenever they start praying
And keep on shouting
A hero will come

Glory, that keeps me hanging
Towards the edge of a cliff (I don't think one can hang towards the edge of a cliff. Perhaps just "on"? Or, "Dangling on" to keep the pattern of "ing" verbs.)
Whenever I keep on wanting
The only thing I want
For someone to save me

Here I am, I'm falling
Slowly descending
All eyes on me
Will someone save me?
Will someone save me? (This time, if you took out the first repeat in the other stanza, I think the emphasis would be more drawn to this one, a sort of climax toward the end of the poem. But it is your decision, and it really isn't a huge deal.
If I can't keep on going

I'm free-falling
Slowly descending
With my own convictions
I came crashing the ground
Then all eyes are on me
As I gaze off around
If I die,
<new line>Will someone remember me?

"Pride, that keeps me going

From falling off the ground

Whenever I keep on flying---this little bit to the end of the stanza is a little bit awkward. It doesn't seem to fit together.

It covers the truth

That I want to hide



Hope, that keeps me living

Shining like a star---Used to the teeth.

Whenever I keep on fighting

The same shadows

Of my forgotten past



Here I am, I'm falling---also used a lot

Slowly descending

All eyes on me

Will someone save me?

Will someone save me?---Unnecessary repetition.

If I can't keep on going



Love, that keeps me saving---?

Those that are harmed

Whenever they start praying

And keep on shouting---awkward, it's like trying to take up space

A hero will come



Glory, that keeps me hanging---huh?

Towards the edge of a cliff

Whenever I keep on wanting

The only thing I want----add an 'is' maybe?

For someone to save me



Here I am, I'm falling

Slowly descending

All eyes on me

Will someone save me?

Will someone save me?---unnecessary repetition

If I can't keep on going



I'm free-falling---used a lot

Slowly descending

With my own convictions

I came crashing the ground

Then all eyes are on me

As I gaze off around---the 'off' doesn't make sense to me

If I die, Will someone remember me?"